Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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