i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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