got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
