What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
