if i can run in heels then i can drive
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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