Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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