you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
