Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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