Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
