I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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