if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize