East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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