You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
