apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
