At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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