Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
