she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
