I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
