you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
