Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
