I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
