I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
