ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
