i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
