Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
