Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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