it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
