I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
