How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
