worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
did you just send me my own nude
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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