she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
