Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
