Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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