drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
