i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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