woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
