I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
