Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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