I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
