I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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