There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
