My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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