you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize