remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
