guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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