It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
