That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
