I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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