hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
