I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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