Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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