What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
