I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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