you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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