The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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