Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Shame is for Republicans.
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