Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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