your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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