Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
