So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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