Pappa wants mamma naked
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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