Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
