How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
