i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
even my farts smell like vagina
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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