i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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