I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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