i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
