Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
