my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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