I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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