doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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