I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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