I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need to calm my uterus...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
